Monday, 18 January 2010

Intimacy - When Less is More

Author: Shela Dean

Hubby Dale and a guy friend sat on their boat knocking down a few beers and whiled away a lazy afternoon by listing body "ations"-urination, expectoration, perspiration, etc. I tried, but failed, to imagine doing the same with a girlfriend. We would identify the three most important "ations"-exfoliation, ovulation and menstruation, three these two geniuses missed-and then go shoe shopping.

Like it or not, "ations" are part of life. When you're cheek by jowl it's impossible to pretend, as you do in those early getting-to-know-each-other days, that you're the only person on the planet who doesn't experience them. At some point, one or the other of you will fart, belch, or leave the bathroom in need of fumigation. One bit of relaxed behavior leads to another and before you know it, you're sharing-perhaps over-sharing-all those "ations."

It's not fair to stereotype but it seems to me that most guys never quite get over their middle-school fascination with body functions, especially flatulation and eructation (belching). There's even a certain pride that some men take in "ations" as if the louder the belch or the more pungent the flatulence, the more manly they are. I. Do. Not. Get. It.

Okay, I admit it. I sometimes see the humor. Dale and I were at a Wednesday afternoon matinee, the favorite showing for folks from the retirement community. During a quiet moment Dale coughed so hard he ripped one. A really loud one. The elderly woman in front of Dale reached up and patted her head as if she feared the blast had dislodged her wig. We could not stop laughing and had to leave.

Then there's grooming. In a perfect world, we'd all wake up as they do in the soaps-perfect hair, perfect make-up, no morning breath. You wouldn't need to floss or brush your teeth, clip your toenails, exfoliate, mud pack, shave, or file your calluses. It's soooooooooo not a perfect world.

I think most body functions and grooming should be done behind closed doors. Dale is more relaxed. I'm convinced he'd never seek privacy but for the fact that he reads on the john and doesn't want to be disturbed. Oddly, the one thing that grosses him out is watching me put my contacts on. You may consider that as weird as I do, but it does demonstrate an important point. When it comes to body functions and grooming, it's a good idea to know when you're crossing your sweetie's "that's disgusting" line.

We all have our quirks. Kathy is grossed out by teeth flossing, Elijah by ear wax on Q-Tips. I need complete privacy to groom my feet. Nail clippings make Rebecca want to hurl. Respect your sweetheart's quirks and avoid the gross out.

It may be impossible to maintain the same level of propriety you would around a total stranger, but remember this: In an intimate relationship, there are times when less is more.

Saturday, 16 January 2010

WATERBOARDING

By Ingrid Mattson

I used to love swimming underwater
Diving down deep
To touch mossy stones
At the bottom of the river
Holding my breath until air exploded
through tightly closed lips
And the rock bass swam away
Spiny fins glinting in the filtered sunlight

I used to love swimming underwater
Until Joey drowned
Dear sweet brother
Pulled down by the Kicking Horse River

For one year after that
I would panic

When the water from the shower
Dripped over my face
Fearing when I held my breath
That I would never breathe again

Waterboarding
Sounds like fun
A vile euphemism
For making someone think he is drowning

About as fun as a kick in the ribs
A blow to the head
A shock to the genitals
Sodomy with a billy club

My 14 year old daughter saw the pictures
When she opened Yahoo to get her mail
She sobbed for three days
Her anxiety over cruel remarks from classmates
Now exploding into fully-formed terror
They could do this to us

But even worse
That anyone could do it
Her faith diminished

God can only be good
If there is some good in us
The faith of children
Treads water
Waiting for the life-guard in us

Dr. Ingrid Mattson is Director of the Macdonald Center for the Study of Islam and Christian-Muslim Relations, Director of Islamic Chaplaincy Program, Professor of Islamic Studies and Christian-Muslim Relations, and both the first female and first convert president of the Islamic Society of North America

Friday, 15 January 2010

Driving Towards Equality


Author : S.B.Z., Saudi Arabia, Age 19

Unlike most young girls who grow up playing with Fulla or Sara dolls – Barbie-style dolls marketed to children in the Middle East – Fatima Al-Abdulaziz, 19, used to zoom Ferrari and Lamborghini models across the carpeted floor of her Riyadh villa when she was young. As Al‑Abdulaziz grew older, she stopped racing the cars in her living room. Yet, the model cars continued to hold a special place in her heart and the ruby red and canary yellow model cars were lovingly displayed on a stand beside her bed.

When once asked why, Al-Abdualaziz responded: “I know I will never be permitted to drive a car in actuality. I live out my fantasy of driving through these toys. Every night before going to bed, I look at these cars and dream of a day when I, too, will be able to drive.”

Today, however, Al-Abdualaziz beams as she opens the door to her family’s four-door sedan, and sits – not shotgun or in the backseat as usual – but in the driver’s seat. Her dream has become reality.

Yesterday, in the culmination of a suffragette-style movement, the women of Saudi Arabia attained the right to drive a car. Spearheaded by Hala Al-Amer, the movement began in early 2009 when Al-Amer, then 24, picked up an Arabic translation of To Kill a Mockingbird from a local bookstore. The famed Harper Lee novel opened her eyes to the world of the American Civil Rights Movement and triggered Al-Amer to research it further. This in turn introduced her to personalities like Martin Luther King, Jr. and W.E.B. Du Bois.

But it was when Al-Amer read about Rosa Parks and how her actions symbolized the beginning of the end of racial segregation in the United States that Al-Amer realized that anyone, even women, can make a difference in society. The restriction of African-Americans to the back of buses reminded Al-Amer all too well of the restriction of women in Saudi Arabia to the backseat of cars.

Al-Amer was fed up with hearing tales of women who had died in their homes because there was no male at home at the time to transport them to a hospital emergency room. She had also seen far too often boys as young as nine or ten driving large SUVs because there was no other male in the household who could take the female members out. Even in regards to her own family, Al-Amer was tired of waiting for her younger brother to come home from college, or her father to come home from work, so that she could go to her friend’s house, or so her mother could merely buy some bread and eggs.

Al-Amer felt it was high time for change in her homeland. She realized that if women in the Kingdom were to ever attain equality with men, they would have to commit the same acts of defiance as Rosa Parks.

At first, Al-Amer was not sure how to best approach her idea of civil disobedience. She recalled how in November of 1990 forty-seven Saudi women drove through the streets of Riyadh in efforts to protest laws prohibiting them from driving. The women were imprisoned and their extended families were publicly chastised. As a result, a similar protest appeared to be a futile step towards female emancipation in Al-Amer’s eyes – at least at first.

After one particular evening of intense Facebooking and web surfing, Al-Amer realized that there was a particular tool that the women of 1990 did not have. What was this secret weapon? The Internet.

With this resource, Al-Amer decided to form a network of like-minded individuals. She created a blog urging women’s equality and discovered that many people held similar views as hers. Within a week, her blog had more than five thousand hits.

“I expected to face a lot of opposition,” Al-Amer recalls. “However, almost everyone I communicated with agreed with me when I said that restrictions on women driving have no basis in religion. It’s all cultural.”

Al-Amer began to blog more and more passionately, and soon enough, she formed a virtual clandestine group with twenty other Saudi women known as “Dames Requiring Implementation of Vehicular Equality,” or D.R.I.V.E. These women individually networked out to other women in their respective communities against driving restrictions in Saudi Arabia, and the group grew exponentially.

By mid-2010, D.R.I.V.E. had more than one thousand members. On the eve of 2011, D.R.I.V.E. had more than five thousand members. It was rumored that nearly every household had at least one woman in the group. However, the association worked under such hushed pretenses, that the association acquired characteristics of a secret society.

Throughout 2011, the association worked undercover throughout the Kingdom to legalize women’s driving. Flyers and posters demanding women’s right to drive began to pop up in the malls of Riyadh, Jeddah, and Dammam. Shortly after that, they appeared in mosques and invoked religious traditions, demonstrating that women during the Prophet’s time, including his wives, rode camels. “Had they been alive now, they would have driven cars!” exclaimed one flyer. They were all signed solely as “D.R.I.V.E.”

A national witch-hunt was instigated to combat the root of these civil disobediences, but there was no way of uncovering the leadership. D.R.I.V.E. included some women specializing in Information Technology, meaning no digital paper trail was left. The Saudi populace began rumbling about this highly contentious issue in a way never seen before. Change appeared to be close.

The piece de resistance, however, occurred on November 6, 2011, 21 years to the day after the failed 1990 protest. More than 3,500 cars appeared in the streets of Riyadh blocking the road towards the airport. Similar protests took place in the other major cities of the country. All cars were driven by members of D.R.I.V.E. In other words, all cars were driven by women.

A protest on such a mass scale was never seen before in Saudi Arabia. While some protesters, including Al-Amer, were arrested, it was impossible for police to arrest all of the dissenters. As a result, for the first time in Saudi history, women led a largely successful demonstration.

To protest the imprisonment of the D.R.I.V.E. members, citizens from the entire spectrum of society—male and female, famous celebrities and average people, young and old—began to lead protests on the streets. Riots erupted in the capital and other important cities.

When interviewed why she was protesting the streets despite putting her entire family at risk, Reema Al-Omar, 43, replied: “We have been hearing that the new King [Abdullah] will allow women to drive. But it’s been nearly seven years now, but nothing has been done.”

Mona Al-Hussein, 29, another protester, said, “Women are fifty percent of the population, and one half of the population cannot suppress the other. It’s time we take our own matters into our own hands.”

After a month of marches all across the country and a Gandhian-style hunger strike by the imprisoned D.R.I.V.E. members, even the international community began to take note. As international pressure forcing Saudi Arabia to legalize women’s right to drive increasingly mounted, the government finally penned a new law enabling women to drive. The decree passed on January 2, 2012 and Hala Al-Amer and the other protesters were released.

And so, yesterday marked the first day when the famed, palm tree-lined Tahlia Street of Riyadh had not only young men speeding their coupes, but where women driving through the streets, with black headscarves fluttering in the desert wind, could also be seen.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Domestic Violence, My Thoughts As a Man

Author: Serge Botans

Today is white ribbon day in Australia, a day to remember all the women who suffer (and have suffered) domestic violence and abuse at the hand of their husband or partner at home.

On this day, that really should not exist, I want to share with you my thoughts on domestic violence.

I want to share the one thing I have discovered that if men took heed to, then domestic violence would end.

But before I do, I want to share with you a little bit of my story.

When I was 10, I went to live with my dad and step-mum for a period of 5 years. During that time, I suffered physical and emotional abuse, the likes of which I will not share as it is not relevant to this article.

As I reflected on this abuse, over the years since, there was one underlining theme or point that became clear to me. And it is that I want to share with you.

I learnt a 2-part lesson from the abuse I suffered and I will phrase the 2-parts as though I am talking to my dad.

Part 1 is...

"Just because I did something that made you angry, does not mean that I did something wrong."

My dad did not understand that. His thinking was that, if he is angry because of something I did or said, then I needed to be punished... and punish me he did (with a leather cat of nine tails!).

But, this attitude really implies that it is my fault that he is angry. In other words, I am responsible for his anger because I 'provoked' it.

But...

And this is where part 2 comes in...

"If you are angry at something I have done, then you are the one who needs to deal with it and not take it out on me."

One time he was so angry with me that he threw me against the wall. My head and feet were level with the floor! This is not a man in control of his emotions.

So, being angry to the extent that it leads to an act of violence really is a loss of control over one's emotions.

Now, you are probably wondering what all this has to do with domestic violence? Well, men need to understand that:

1. If their partner makes them angry, it does not mean that they have done something wrong.

When I was raising my daughter, there were times when she did things that made me angry. But having understood parts 1 and 2 above, I resolved to determine first if my daughter had done something wrong or if the anger was my fault in the sense that I over-reacted, misunderstood her intent or motive, took it wrong, and so on...

And I can say that 99% of the time, I was angry with her not because she had done something wrong but because I took it wrong, over-reacted, misunderstood her, and so on...

2. If men are angry with their partner to the extent that it leads to an act of violence, then they do not have control of their emotions and hence are the ones who need help to deal and manage their anger.

There is nothing wrong with being angry. Sometimes our spouse will 'make us' angry.

But an act of violence against our spouse or partner is more than an expression of anger.

It is blaming our partner for making us angry, it is an act of punishement for our partner making us angry, it is a way of releasing the strong anger feelings that want to find expression.

All of which are wrong!

When our spouse makes us angry, before we do anything else, we should ask ourselves: "why did what you did or what you said make me angry?" And go from there!

So men, let us be men and take responsibility for our actions, let us seek help if and when we need it, let us refrain from blaming our loved ones for our own problems, let us stop punishing those around us because we can't cope with our anger.

Domestic violence is not about 'it's all your fault!' It's about us men not coping!